The Countdown: 173 days

There are 173 days until my thirtieth birthday.

I always had these great expectations of things I wanted to accomplish before I turn 30. I never thought climbing out of rock bottom would be one of them.

One of the things I did expect was to get married before 30. I was in love and ready to start my life with someone I thought loved me too (after seven years, he told me he never loved me and felt sorry for me). I was devastated. It wasn’t about marriage, it was about spending my life with someone I truly cared about.

Anyway, marriage has been on my mind for years and I never thought I’d be single and starting over at 29. Now, some people might read this and think “29 is still young and you have plenty of time. Stop being so overdramatic!” But, to me, this feels like the end of the world.

Maybe it’s all the societal pressure. Maybe it’s all the biological clock talk. Or maybe and more realistically, it’s this prison I created for myself that’s telling me I’m not loveable. So now what?

Well, I met a really amazing guy who is good-natured, kind, supportive, understanding, open, honest – the list goes on. Except, I’m not in an emotionally stable place to really give it a chance. I’m so tortured by my own self-destructive thoughts that I can’t enjoy my time with him. How can he love me when I don’t love myself?

I want to get to a place where I can be emotionally ready for a fulfilling and loving relationship. That’s where the next 173 days (or less hopefully) come in. I’ve spent a long time dwelling on the past, and starting today, I hope to live in the moment. So, for the next 172 days, I hope to find one positive thing in my life and blog about it – whether it be a good book, a new activity, or an act of kindness. The world is filled with so many happy things, it’s time to stop thinking of things/people that bring me down.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
– Buddha

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